sunday 1st dec 2024

my life just went downhill. i started cutting myself and i also wanted to start drinking again but i just found out i'm pregnant. i was suspecting it but i found out for real yesterday. my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. i caught him talking with his ex and i got so mad, i started crying which he hates but he started hugging me so hard, we went to sleep (same bed but no sex ofc) and then in the morning he seemed so fed up and started telling me to get out of his house, he doesn't love me, or like me, or feel anything for me. i went outside and bought a knife and started cutting myself. i don't know what to do. he said we can be friends but he's acting so cold and even rude now. we'll see each other today because i accidentally left my glasses at his house last night. i'm gonna try to be super chill and not even shed a tear. i promise not a single tear will come out

thursday 14th nov 2024

um today my mom literally told my psychologist that i "can't stop eating"???? what the fuck. i have an eating disorder. context is that today i told my psychologist that i'm struggling a lot with obsession with losing weight and it's affecting all facets of my life, so she told me that maybe i could speak to a nutrition specialist to learn about blah blah blah so anyway she asked me if i wanted my mom to come in so she could explain to her what's happening to me. and when she explained it to my mom, my mom fucking said that. i felt so fucking angry i wanted to storm out of there i can't believe she started ranting about how i'm constantly eating (not true???? wth). she doesn't even pay attention to me and i'm always locked into my room so how could she see that i'm "always eating"? she made me look like a disgusting fatty i still can't believe it. my bmi is 19.5 i'm almost underweight and more skinny than most people in my country. what the fuck.

cw: bodycheck on hover

when the appointment was over i just walked out without saying a word and i just started walking away. my mom was trying to talk to me walking behind me but eventually she gave up. then outta nowhere my phone started malfunctioning(??? like it would turn on and off by itself. i have an iphone 15. wtf @apple.

tuesday 12th nov 2024

today i didn't go to class, guess why? i fucking fell yesterday and hurt my body so much i don't even know how. i was in the kitchen and the dishwasher was open all the way so it was on the floor. since my kitchen is kinda narrow i (idk how to explain this but) kinda started a step without realizing i was going to trip over the dishwasher ??? why am i so stupid omg. also my puppy milo was in the way so what my brain decided to do in that 0.1 seconds was to jump over the dishwasher and i fell on the left side of my body. i was so hurt and milo was scared but came to lick my face haha. uhh i felt stupid anyway

so anyway today i went to the er with my mom and they told me that thankfully i didn't break any bones (i fr thought i would have something broken bc this hurt like a bitch), they gave me pills and told me to put ice.

so yeah im gonna sleep now (it's 1:03 of nov 13 rn hhhh) bc i'll go to class tomorrow yay (/kills herself) good night bbs

sunday 10th nov 2024

today i had a stupid fight with my boyfriend fuyu which led me to think that he didn't love me because he doesn't hug me or kiss me when i cry and i feel hurt by him. in my culture, in spain, that's the first thing you do if your girlfriend cries, so i felt even more hurt when he didn't do it. i know chinese ppl are more reserved in that sense but fuck, my brain couldn't comprehend. we talked about it and we explained each other's dating cultures and he told me he would express his love more with physical touch. i felt glad and happy. i'm still a bit worried tho, because i feel our relationship is going to be hard. with all these cultural differences and the language barrier.. damn i'm scared, but i love him so i'll try. 爱你啊付宇宝宝

wed 6th nov 2024

i started this diary page just today! i'm getting good at coding and i'm happy!

go back home